Oppression By the Bankers

September 13, 2010

I got a form letter from my bank today telling me that they were doubling my monthly bank fee.  Of course the letter said it was to my benefit that they were taking this unilateral action.

I thought… well, maybe I should send them a form letter to unilaterally make changes to our agreement as well.  If it is okay for them, then it should be okay for me, right.  Quid pro quid and all that.

Here is my draft response (names have been changed to protect the guilty SOBs):

Mr. Bank President
Big International Bank Inc.
Top of the Tower
Large Bank Building,
Centre of City,
Centre of the Universe

Dear Bank

You and the entire President family may be pleased to know that I am reducing the amount I pay Big International Bank Inc. in fees effective October 1.

We do this reflecting the increased competitive nature of the financial services industry.  I personally receive at least two calls per week, and at least two direct mail or email solicitations per week as well offering me comparable bank services at lower costs than you provide.

To stimulate your organization to better service my needs, I have lowered your fee levels reflecting your decreasing service and outplacement of many of your services to me though the internet, telephone and reduced teller service.  Your business is important to me and I have recorded this letter for training purposes and will be forwarding a copy along to federal officials to assist your career growth.

While I reduce this particular fee, rest assured that you will still be able to milk my account in the normal manner for services such as:

  • Brokerage fees
  • Credit card handling fees
  • Interest that is earned on my deposits but not paid to me except in the range of fractions of a percentage (by last calculation you spent more on mailing statements than on paying interest)
  • Okay, I take back the point above since on many accounts you are not mailing statements anymore either
  • ATM fees
  • And so forth endlessly along.

We know you will be happy that we have reduced our payments to you and will be motivated to improve your services and add new and desirable services as well, using our money to add new revenue streams to your bulging coffers.

And feel free to call us to discuss this with us because your call is important to us.  Please hold.

So do you think that my will get any results?

Absolutely not!  It is a one sided contract.  My only option is to change banks.  Not a bad strategy in Canada where the six big banks will give nice incentives if you move your business.  So Bank, what are you telling us?  We want to trust you and hope you are a benevolent tyrant, but sometimes you really push the envelope.

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